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Supporting Learners Through Conflict or Peer Miscommunication

Understanding the causes that led to a miscommunication or conflict is crucial, as children are still learning social expectations and often require support and reminders to acquire the language and skills necessary to express their needs, interpret others’ emotions/tone/perspective, and regulate themselves following conflict.    

Some children may be more sensitive to conflict or perceive it as rejection, and may exhibit this by having intense emotional reactions or by avoiding certain situations entirely. Along with this, a need for perfection may also trigger these challenges, as some children who are wary of rejection may also be driven by a fear of being judged by others for their mistakes, or they may have self-imposed high expectations, making them more sensitive to correction as well. This can lead to an intense desire for control or predictability to achieve “perfection” and can be distressing when they lack the skills to efficiently problem-solve.   

When a conflict arises, it is essential to focus on identifying the patterns that contributed to the situation and to model care for the individual who was hurt or disrupted. Validating feelings and giving both children a brief time (2 to 5 minutes) to process their emotions privately can help with increasing children’s ownership of their actions, while also reducing defensiveness. For children who are more sensitive to rejection or judgment, forcing an apology immediately can be overwhelming and sometimes lead to an escalation (for example, when avoiding apologizing or eye contact, it may be because they are overwhelmed or feel deeply ashamed).   

Reframing stressful experiences as learning opportunities, praising empathetic choices, and following up with children when they are calm allows us to problem-solve and plan the actions they can take as next steps to repair the conflict. Allowing children to choose the steps they want to take to repair the situation also gives them a deeper understanding of the control they can have over their own actions.   

Step-by-Step Guide: Supporting Kindergarten Learners Through Peer Conflict 

This guide supports educators in responding to peer-to-peer miscommunications and conflicts in ways that affirm neurodiversity, emotional safety, and children’s autonomy. 

1. Approach Conflict with Curiosity, instead of Focusing on Correction

View peer conflict as a normal part of social learning: 

  • Ask: What might each child be trying to communicate or protect? 
  • Recognize that children may interpret tone, body language, or social cues differently, especially those with diverse neurotypes. This includes both peer and adult communication styles, as well as your own.  

2. Understand Emotional Sensitivity in Peer Interactions 

Some children may:

  • Feel deeply impacted by peer rejection, exclusion, or misunderstandings. 
  • React strongly to perceived criticism or correction. 
  • Seek predictability or control in social situations to feel safe. 
  • Show physical responses to emotional stress, such as: 
    • Avoiding eye contact 
    • Turning away or hiding 
    • Fleeing from the situation or leaving the play area 
    • Covering ears or eyes 
    • Becoming very still or frozen 

These responses are not misbehaviour — this is the nervous system responding to stress and is a valid expression of emotional overload or unmet needs.

3. Pause for Regulation Before Resolution

When conflict occurs between peers: 

  • Offer a brief, calm space (2–5 minutes) for each child to regulate their emotions. 
  • Avoid rushing into apologies or explanations. 
  • Use co-regulation tools (e.g., breathing exercises, sensory items, quiet corners) to support emotional recovery. 

4. Validate All Perspectives Without Blame

Use affirming language with each child: 

  • “It’s okay to feel upset when things don’t go how we expected.” 
  • “You were trying to say something important.” 
  • “I can see how that would make you upset.” 
  • “Let’s figure this out together.” 

Avoid framing any child as “wrong” — instead, explore their intent and experience. 

5. Reframe Peer Conflict as a Learning Opportunity 

Once children are calm:

  • Reflect together: “What happened between you two?” and “What do you wish had gone differently?” 
  • Celebrate empathetic choices and efforts to reconnect. 
  • Emphasize that everyone is learning how to be a good friend.

6. Empower Children to Choose Repair Strategies

Invite children to choose how they want to repair or reconnect with their peer:  

  • A kind gesture, a drawing, shared play, or words when ready. 

This builds agency, self-trust, and mutual respect. 

Additions for Classroom Use: 

  • As a class, use the Zones of Regulation to talk about emotions and identify them. Use corresponding visual charts to help communicate with each other when someone is overwhelmed.  
  • Use social stories or puppets to model peer conflict and resolution. 
  • Create a sensory-friendly “Calm Corner” that learners can access regularly for co-regulation or self-regulation in the classroom.  
  • Create a “Friendship Repair Menu” with visual options that all children can choose from. 

– Almas K., Early RISErs Lead Instructor, and Marlo Humiski, Senior Manager, Early Years Programs

LDS is a community of dedicated professionals who write collaboratively. We recognize the contribution of unnamed team members for their wisdom and input.

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